Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.