I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff