Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Good morning!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment