If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that