Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either