PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.