How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
wtf is a larm clock?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people