TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
You Might Also Like
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I feel attacked.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
United Steaks of America
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.