Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
what day is it?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Google Pay be like:
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.