DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle