Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually