When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.