Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Just a bush.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
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