If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Husband of the year 😂
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.