I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.