What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
forgive me baja for i have blast
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?