[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?