Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
uh oh
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Ovenable?