Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
he’s doing your taxes
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
This kid is going places
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?