It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?