Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…