You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow