you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You Might Also Like
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Why am I like this?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.