♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me, flirting😏
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.