me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
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Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.