I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later