If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Yup
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Attacked by a mop.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.