It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
why am I working on Labor Day
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
HERE’S MARKY
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.