How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”