“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.