The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
o shit
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT