Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.