Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
#Caturday
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No