[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family