She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
You Might Also Like
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
What an awful time to have common sense.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me too door. Me too.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.