Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
5 ways to appear taller
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
hmmm
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8