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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place