Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Pigeon open mic night.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
we’re gonna need another temp
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side