drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.