I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder