[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.