Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I am having an out of money experience.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.