Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
3% human
97% stress
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
But wait…
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.