Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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