DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.