[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
#Caturday
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.