Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.