Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.