[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Am I having a stroke?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America