*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.